sigh...

Im supposed to be sleeping in my cosy bed now, after having a long day studying for my chem test tmr. Yet, im wide awake now being engulfed by what i was told. I cant seem to express the countless grievences i have in me. Don't take sides or pin point when you dont even know a single shit! Im pissed like reli pissed this time round. Why is it always me? You're just so biased towards your son! You always make assumptions!

Back then, you put all the blame on me, now you place everything on me agn! Do you knw how i feel back then?! when im all alone there w/o my parents and all, you came down so harsh on me! When my parents entrusted me into your care-.- You didnt even bother to find out what went wrong you just came to me and push everything onto me!

Now, you're giving me everything agn, thanks i reli love you ttm!-.- If it wasn't for those misunderstandings things wldn't have turned out to be wad it is today! Do you think im not suffering? Im not having a good time either, i blame myself, i tried salvaging it, but its just like that wad can i do, damn it! You think i dont miss you? I actually miss all the things you've done for me, your ginger tea, your awesome cooking skills though your sons have been complaining bout eating the same thing for decades, and how we used to share our sour plums, how you helped me dry my hair, and most of all the 4 hour long talk we had.

I treated you like my mom, i actually miss you okaye. and i care. I dont like the way you judge me, watch me and criticise me. It hurts. i just dont like it..

Flashbacks?

Was this how it really started between us?

I didnt realised it till someone told me. Somehow, it feels the same sometimes, and yet it feels different somehow? Izzit just me living in your shadow? I seem to see you and those memories ech time i look over. I tried not to, but it just seems to linger on. She seems different.. ech time i try to avoid, i realise smth diff. i hope this lingering moments would end bit by bit..

Till i close my eyes..

Sometimes, crying is the best remedy.

I've got to admit that crying does helps. Dont avoid this just because you're a guy, who says guys can't cry or rather they shouldn't cry? Crying is type of emotion release, so every single one of you out there is given the right to cry! Take me for an instance, I cry alot.. I cry when im angry, stress, sad, happy? Its a need to de-stress!!!

Tell me what should i exactly do to make you happy? Evrything i do seems to be wrong.. Did not try my best to improve our relationship? Did i not try my best to be a good daughter? Did i not try my best to make you happy? Why am i always the one you'll pick on? I wont say things like you not loving me, cause i knw you do. What really made me so annoyed was the fact that, i dont like you inculcating those values in us. Im someone who went through education, and i have my own thoughts and mindset, so i just couldn't agree with you..Im sorry to say this, im no longer a little girl or someone whom you can influence me to inhabit that mindset of yours. No sarcasm.

Don't force me anymore..

IM HAPPY !

i hope there wont be anymore spoilers-.- Wouldn't it be good to have the seniors back for every dance pratice? They surely do help me pull thru those moments(:

if only you learnt to see how beautiful i was..

Its been a long time since i last updated this space! Hmm.. life was like a roller coaster for me, ups and downs(: But its alright, i dont mind the pain and tortures, cause i knw there's a whole bunch of MDC dancers holding me up(: If it weren't for the dancers i would have had vanished totally.. Afterall i know that im not alone, it seems like most of them are going thru somewhat similar situation.. I hope eveything goes fine and that we'll stand strong tgt(: Oh thanks sum the sucker who made things easier(:

If only you knew what i wasn't.. If only you learnt to realise this is how far i can only do.. If only you knew how hard i've tried.. If only you could see the beauty that lies within.. If only you learnt how to accept things.. If only... There is just too many things that slipped off..

now, i realise

how important you are to me my dear organiser! I totally freaked out when i found out that my hello kitty organiser was not in my bag and nowhere to be seen, i became really worried. Tears filled my eyes and i rushed out of the class halfway to search through all the classrooms i've been to and i still couldn't find it:( The office's lost and found didnt have it tooo!:( I got so sad , that i couldn't pay attention in class at all, thinking what would become of it if it lends into the hands of heartless people with .... intentions. Thanks to gina who saw my organiser and kept it for me!!! For that moment i was so damn happy to the extent of speechless!!! happy me to getback my organiser!!!(: i'll lock you tightly in my bag from today onwards(:

a map please..

This seems to be a contradicting situation now. All i can say is clarice, you're in deep shit now! I know the urgency and the need to start my engine for the tough journey ahead. Which is, start studying crazily, extra hard for my A'levels, equivalent to no watching of tv, no using of the computer, no shopping and no more daydreaming around:( There's a very small part within me that wants to start studying and prioritise that annoying big exams-.- However, a large part of me wants to end all these shit and the pain of having to endure long tutorials and lectures with a heavy head... I am sick and tired of it, it seems like the driving force and motivation i used to have and the hunger for my future all went missing.. What exactly happened to me?